Behind The Mirrors

"Only The Good" Alternate Ending

[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading

 towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some

 gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole

 section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN

  The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

  How?

RIMMER

  The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one

Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER

  We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER

  But what about our escape?

LISTER

  It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got

a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER

  You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI

  No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER

  Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]

[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber

 and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER

  Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As

you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,

so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about

that in the internal mail.

[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and

 Starbug transport craft stream away]

[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark

 brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN

  Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT

  So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!

KRYTEN

  We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive

negativity of the microbe.

LISTER

  Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT

  So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]

  There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI

  A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to

this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.

[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre

 of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light

 streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The

 light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing

 concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on

 the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN

  If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror

universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't

know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his

 right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]

[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up

 the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and

 that its contents have turned white]

[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam

 of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,

 finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]

[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.

 He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]

[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke

 spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN

  It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT

  At last, things are looking up!

LISTER

  How long's it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN

  Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is

 showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying

 a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls

 melodramatically.

 There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives

 to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER

 finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]

[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and

 RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles

 sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER

  Can I come in, sir?

  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?

  Here's your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the

 insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]

RIMMER

  Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

M.HOLLISTER

  Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER

  Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER

  A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales

 loudly]

M.HOLLISTER

  Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...

RIMMER

  Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER

  Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER

  No, I don't think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly]

RIMMER

  Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a

thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he

glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER

  My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA

  They said it was okay to drop by...

  You look wonderful...

RIMMER

  So do you...

  [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER

  Yes, sir.

M.TALIA

  You made Captain -

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA

  You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

RIMMER

  So have I!

M.TALIA

  Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to

 his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm

 away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases

 her]

M.TALIA

  What are you doing!?

RIMMER

  I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA

  But I'm your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER

  Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...

M.TALIA

  You French-kissed me!

RIMMER

  No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...

I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets

out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER

  Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!

  Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down

here and give'us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully

 and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA

  Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual

advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER

  Sis! Sister... whoever you are!

  Oh, smeg!

[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror

 universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin

 blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

  Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI

  Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]

RIMMER

  I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI

  You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey

brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his

 hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT

  Somebody call?

RIMMER

  Professor!?

M.CAT

  Yes, Captain?

RIMMER

  Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

M.CAT

  Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more

and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT

  Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER

  Oh yes? What's it called?

M.CAT

  Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.

  You look surprised.

RIMMER

  I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT

  Certainly.

[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?

[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam

through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's

leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have

 left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light

 from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER

  The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red

warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.

[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from

 ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship

 trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all

 around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in

 panic]

RIMMER

  Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER

  They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're

the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes

you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER

  Smeg off!

[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is

 off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t

Watch My Dreams

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

We have made some improvements to your craft.  

Now at least you may prove to be of some small amusement.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

You have two Earth minutes before we attack.

RIMMER: 

Let's get out of here.

CAT: 

Wait, I know This Game.  

It's called Cat and Mouse, 

and there's only one way to win -- 

Don't Be The Mouse.

LISTER: 

What are you saying?

CAT: 

I'm saying, 

The Mouse never wins.  

Not unless you believe those

  lying cartoons.  

We Don't Run, We Strike.  

It's The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting.

RIMMER: 

No, The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting 

is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses 

and to dance The Bolero.  

And your plan makes

 about as much sense.

LISTER: 

I Say "Go with it."

KRYTEN: 

Agreed.

CAT: 

You're gonna go with one of my plans?  

Are you nuts?  

What happens if we all get killed?  

I'll never hear the last of it!

13 Model Shot.

Starbug pivots in flight 

and fires it's new laser cannons into the side

of the simulant ship.

14 Int. Simulant Ship.

The simulants look worried.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

What are They doing?  

Power up The Weapons!

15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

LISTER: 

Nailed Them.

16 Int. Simulant Ship.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Fluke hit.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Take them with Us.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Can't return fire.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Hack into their navigation computer.  

Transmit 

The  Armageddon Virus.

17 Int. Stabug cockpit.

The NaviComp starts to spark.

LISTER: 

What is it ?

KRYTEN: 

The NaviComp, something's wrong.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

(On screen) 

See you in Silicon Hell.

18 Model Shot.

The simulant ship explodes.

19 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

KRYTEN: 

Shutdown all network links.  

The navicomp has been infected with 

A Virus.

LISTER: 

The NaviComp has frozen us out, 

we're locked on this course.  

If we carry on ahead at this speed, 

how long before we hit Trouble?

RIMMER: 

Well if you define 'Trouble' as a rather large moon 

directly in our path, about 38 minutes.

KRYTEN: 

Sir, The Only Solution is for me to 

contract The Virus myself,

  analyze it's structure 

and 

attempt to create a software antidote 

before it wipes out my core program.

Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

RIMMER: 

Do Lemmings like cliffs?  

Granted!

KRYTEN: 

I am going to have to create 

A Dove Program.

CAT: 

Dove program?

KRYTEN: 

A Dove Program spreads Peace through The System, 

obliterating the viral cells as it goes.

KRYTEN puts on head sensors 

and contracts the virus from the navicomp.

KRYTEN: 

The Virus is extremely complex.  

I will have to dedicate all my

  run-time to its solution.  

Shutting down all non essential systems.

LISTER: 

Is there anything we can do?  

Can we help?

KRYTEN: 

WATCH MY DREAMS.

*******

CAT: 

Wait, we're getting something.

21 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The Monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, 

dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's

Western town.  

He is Drunk.

He throws an empty whisky bottle away 

before pausing before a wanted poster 

of the Apocalypse boys 

and entering a saloon.

22 Int. Ops Room.

CAT: 

What is This?

LISTER: 

I think we've tapped directly into 

whatever passes for Kryten's sub-concious.

CAT: 

Why is he A Sheriff in Some Old Western?

Because The Sheriff is allowed to Kill People -- 

Under Certain Circumstances.

Unlike A Policeman, he is 

Hired, Elected and Paid 

by The Community to DO it.

Because They Can't.

And sometimes, on The Frontier,

People Need to be Killed.

LISTER: 

Must be how his core program is coping with 

The Battle against The Virus.

For whatever reason it's converted The Struggle 

into some kind of dream.

23 Int. Saloon. Day.

Busy.  

A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version 

of Red Dwarf theme :

KRYTEN enters and tries to steer 

his way towards the bar.  

He passes JIMMY - a smooth oaf, 

playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.

JIMMY: 

Well, well, well Sheriff, fancy seeing 

A Man of your sober disposition 

in a low-down drinking establishment.

KRYTEN: 

Now, now boys, I don't want any Trouble.  

Just doing my rounds.

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.

KRYTEN: 

You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.

There is a scrape of stools and tables 

and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.

JIMMY: 

Why don't you try it, Sheriff.  

They say you used to be faster

  than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

KRYTEN: 

Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy, sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.

  Didn't mean any harm by it.

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

KRYTEN: 

Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, 

and make it the smooth stuff — 

The stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days.  Guaranteed.

JIMMY: 

( Looking out of The Saloon Doors )

The Apocalypse Boys is Here.  

( General Panic, giving way to hushed silence. )

They's asking for you, Sheriff.

KRYTEN: 

I'll be right out.

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky 

before leaving the saloon to face

The Apocalypse Boys on The Porch.

24 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE 

sit menacingly on horseback outside the saloon. 

The bat-wing doors part and a nervous 

KRYTEN emerges swigging from a bottle of hooch.

KRYTEN: 

I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.

DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, 

which fizzles on the street like acid.

DEATH: 

The Name's Death.  

And These Here're My Brothers.  

Brother War...

WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.

DEATH: 

Brother Famine...

Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.

DEATH: 

and Brother Pestilence.

PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth.  

He swipes idly at the swarm of buzzing flies around his head.

KRYTEN: 

Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys.  

How can I be Of Service?

All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, 

shooting KRYTEN's hat off, 

and his bottle from his hand, 

as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.

Finally the  gunfire stops.

DEATH: 

We want your sorry ass out of Here.  

You got one hour.

DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under

a dangling sign:  

'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE'

and as The HORSEMEN

ride under it, They disappear.  

KRYTEN takes off His Sheriff's Star 

and throws it on The Ground.

25 Int. Ops Room.

LISTER: 

He's losing The Battle. 

Look at his lifesigns, they're barely registering.

CAT: 

Isn't there some way we can 

Get in There and Help Him?  

Somehow turn ourselves 

into tiny electronic people 

and get into His Dream?  

Isn't there some sort of gizmo 

lying around someplace that can do that?  

And if not, (slaps table) why not?!

RIMMER: 

Look, I think we've all got something 

we can bring to this discussion.

But I think from now on, 

the thing you should bring is Silence.

LISTER: 

No, no, no, I think he's got something.

CAT: 

Twice in one lifetime!  

When you're hot, you're hot.

LISTER: 

If we link up the Artificial Reality console to Kryten's Mind, 

we should be able to project directly into his dream state 

like it was a normal Computer Game.

CAT: 

What did I tell you?  

We don't even have to leave the room!

RIMMER: 

What about me?

LISTER: 

We'll shut all extraneous systems 

and power up your hard-light drive.

Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.